幼いころやすべての物事に対して敏感だった若いころに比べて、この歳になって、とにかくすぐに感動するようになったなぁと思う。
たとえば朝ごはんが美味しく食べれた瞬間や、
娘が笑っている瞬間を見たとき、
または、カーテンを開けて、光が部屋中に満ちるだけで。
私がずっと写真を撮る理由として、今でも「かえりみち」や「かえるべきばしょ」を探すために、欠片を集めている感覚が今もある。
だけど、以前より切羽詰まってはいないし、心が砕かれることもないし、それは私が日々「しあわせだなぁ」と人間らしく感じられるようになったからなのかな、と。
よく思うことは、２０年前のわたしが、今の私を見たらどう感じるのだろうか、ということ。
理解していない大人のひとりに成り下がった、と、罵られたりしないかな、とか。
それでも今がいちばんしあわせだなと感じるし、年を取るごとにしあわせが増していくので、それは感性が鈍ったわけではなく、生きる苦痛と辛さと、苦さをたくさん知ったからこそ、「しあわせを感じるちから」が鋭敏になったからだと信じたい。
Compared to when I was a child, or when I was younger and sensitive to everything around me, I’ve noticed that now, at this age, I am moved by things so much more easily.
A delicious breakfast in the morning.
The sight of my daughter laughing.
Or simply opening the curtains and watching sunlight fill the room.
I’ve often felt that the reason I continue to take photographs is because I am still collecting fragments of something—a way home, or perhaps a place where I truly belong.
But I no longer feel the same urgency I once did.My heart is no longer shattered by every sorrow.
Maybe that’s because I have finally learned how to feel happiness in an ordinary, human way.
I often wonder what the version of me from twenty years ago would think if she saw me now.
Would she accuse me of becoming just another adult who no longer understands?
Would she look at me with disappointment?
And yet, I feel happier now than I ever have before.
Strangely, that feeling seems to grow stronger with age.I’d like to believe that it isn’t because my sensitivity has faded.
Rather, after experiencing so much pain, hardship, and bitterness, I have become more sensitive to happiness itself.
Perhaps the ability to recognize joy has simply become sharper.
